LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF A CONSUMMATE QUILTERI, Grandma Cat, being of sound mind and body (a statement that does not bear close scrutiny) do hereby bequeath all my worldly goods in the manner set forth:
With full knowledge that neither of my sons has an appreciation, or for that matter knowledge of my extensive fabric collection, which by the way is scattered (neatly) in various places throughout my house for safekeeping. And with full awareness and knowledge that my sons have notified The Salvation Army should I precede them, to that great quilt shop in the sky, to pick up and dispose of the aforementioned collection. Therefore I do WILL this collection and all other collections related to it, to my daughter and cohort in crafting, De'Anna Leigh.
It is my wish that De'Anna, upon hearing of my death and obtaining clear proof that I am in fact dead and did not manage (although goodness knows I tried) to take my fabric collection with me, will come to my home, before The Salvation Army searches out my collection and that she should rescue said collection and stack it in my quilting studio, along with my sewing machines, frames, old buttons, lace, patterns, UFO (unfinished objects), dolls, quilts and cats. And after she has done that, she should purchase refreshments for all my friends, and relatives that craft and are not yet departed, which friends and relatives are also her friends and relatives. Every last one shall be in that room and they shall hold a wake and say lots of lovely and kind things about me until they run out of breath (and food) and then they shall divide amongst themselves my wonderful collection oohing and aahing over it whilst they divide it up. Be forewarned! I shall be hovering over them all until this is done.
The remainder of my worldly goods such as my dilapidated car, fixer upper house, Blue Light Special clothing, costume jewelry, and Hector, the meanest cat on the face of this earth, I leave to my two sons Paul and Timothy. May they have all the joy in dividing it that they have given me since hitting puberty.
This is my wish on the matter.